Scream A Little Scream Of Me

It is one of those moments that mark the unofficial start of Fall around these parts. Their brochures arrive like clockwork this time of year in all of the convenience stores. Yes, the Field of Screams in Mountville PA has once again begun their latest chapter in terrorizing young and old alike nightly through the middle of November. It is located about forty miles from where I live, but I have never gotten around to visiting it. This year, I am more intrigued than ever to go spend an evening there.

There are actually four main, separate haunted attractions involved at the Field of Screams which require separate admissions, but the cost structure is designed for attendees to secure a “Scream Pass” which gains you entry to each one.

Here are excerpts from their brochure with some immediate thoughts I have:

NOCTURNAL WASTELAND “As you walk along the narrow, winding paths through the dense overgrown vegetation, you will come face-to-face with the mutant creatures of this fear-filled forest. New for 2022 – You will be forced to make your way through the Deadwood Cemetery and encounter the Tree of Death!”

It sounds like trying to make your way through a very trying jungle. I have never done that, but I suppose it is something like those Black Friday sales I used to go to. I’ve certainly been to cemeteries before, but never at night. Their “Tree of Death” has me wondering how the hell they got ahold of the cherry tree we used to have in the front yard?

HAUNTED HAYRIDE “There is no turning back as the tractor-pulled wagons take you on a horrifying hayride into the depths of our dark and sinister cornfield. Feel the cold night air send shivers down your spine as you are attacked from all angles by the maniacal creatures who call this cornfield home.”

I remember when I was a little kid who hadn’t quite taken possession of common sense yet, a bunch of us hid out in a cornfield the night before Halloween and tossed handfuls of corn at passing cars. Mind you, this was a suburban back street where the top speed was approximately 2 mph, so it wasn’t as heinous as it initially sounds. However, during this Mischief Night adventure when the kernels hit one car, the driver hit the brakes and opened their car door. My friend Mikey may still be running.

Also, if I am ever attacked by creatures from all angles my current spine isn’t going to just be feeling the cold night air. That will be nerve damage.

DEN OF DARKNESS “Three stories of sheer terror await as you creep through the dismal passageways and maddening mazes of this 170-year-old original barn. New for 2022 – You will explore the Gory Greenhouse, the Putrid Pantry, and the Rotting Flesh Kitchen.”

I’m thinking if the barn is 170 years old…yes, that would be an original. Three floors? I’m not so much worried about passageways and mazes as much as whether or not the structure will support visitors. I’ll probably be ok with the “Gory Greenhouse” since we had no rain for two months this summer and our gardens provided their fair share of frightening scenes. As for that “Putrid Pantry” and “Rotting Flesh Kitchen,” they sound like dead ringers for when myself and three other guys rented a house for the summer.

FRIGHTMARE ASYLUM “Become a part of the bone-chilling madness as you explore four floors of the demented and the deranged! Feel the fear as you meet the disturbed doctors and nightmarish nurses who have taken up residence here! New for 2022 – You will get to meet the posse of Psycho Clowns as they unleash their vengeance on you.”

Four floors? (please see above “Den of Darkness” concerns about stability) As for their “Psycho Clowns,” that may very well be the most redundant title I’ve ever seen. EVERY clown is a psycho.

So, while pondering the main attractions offered, I noticed one additional section in the bottom right corner of the brochure…

EXTREME BLACKOUT – ONE NIGHT ONLY – NOVEMBER 11TH – LAST NIGHT OF THE SEASON “All four attractions will be darker, more intense, and hands-on! You will be subjected to new methods of torture, physical restraint, and isolation that are not a part of our regular season show. Extreme scare tactics and fear-inducing techniques will be incorporated as part of your Extreme Blackout experience. Not all will survive. Release waivers must be signed in order to participate!”

OK, this does NOT sound OK. Is it really breaking news you have to sign a waiver to participate in this?

I did take note in the fine print there is also a VIP Upgrade available at an additional cost. I can only assume that’s for life insurance.

My wife is not into the horror performance art thing at all. She told me when we first met that in the autumns of her youth, her youth group would always manage each year to find their way to haunted hayrides and houses. She reminded me when I mentioned possibly going here this year she has been sufficiently traumatized for life, thank you.

Me, I’m thinking this could be a bucket list event. I never did anything like this when I was younger and if not now, when? I love a well-done horror movie – providing really good scares – as much as the next guy. But, do I really want to immerse myself in an experience like this?

The “Extreme Blackout” sounds like quite the near-Death experience, but since I’m on the backside of life I probably don’t need to edge any closer to Death, so that’s a hard pass.

It does sound like I could pull off the main attractions…but I do have a concern about the close-proximity performers who might jump out and grab at me while my senses are in a heightened, frightened state. I am legitimately concerned I might instinctively knock them out…then you’ve got real blood mixing with the fake…getting lawyers involved, etc. I think I’d have to recruit at least one other person to accompany me, if for nothing else than to serve as a potential witness for police reports.

If you’ve ever been to something like this, I am curious to know what your experience was. If not, would you dare go there for scares?

 

Picture Courtesy Haunted Pennsylvania

 

62 thoughts on “Scream A Little Scream Of Me”

  1. This is a riot. Lawyers, witnesses, police reports? 😆🤣 I don’t do scary at all. I read ‘The Exorcist’ well before I saw the movie and even then, I was traumatized for quite a while. Please do report back, if you go.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Like your wife I’ve “been sufficiently traumatized for life” by things scary, spooky, dangerous, or downright stupid. BUT you go and have fun, just make sure your life insurance is paid up beforehand though.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My husband got roped into volunteering as a zombie for a charity haunted house years ago. They painted him up with blood and gore and he scared the hell out of a bunch of willing souls. It’s odd though, because he would never willingly walk through one himself. His fight or flight is highly tuned to punch first ask questions later.
    Let us know if you go, and be sure to take pictures!
    😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I would much rather work behind the scenes than be one of the souls who makes the plunge to walk through an attraction like this. I have a secret love of dressing up for Halloween and this would be the epitome of good times for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nope. And, just in case that ain’t clear. NOPE.
    I went to see Friday the 13th on Friday the 13th, 1980, when it came out. At the time, beside my house, was a large field we always cut across from the bus stop to our house, the first one. That night, I didn’t think, got off the bus and about half-way across the field scared the shit out of my own self and ran the rest of the way home. My mother was killing herself laughing at me panting and gasping for breath. The mind is a powerful thing! Never mind things coming out from the dark to touch you! *SHUDDER*

    Liked by 2 people

  6. sounds very entertaining. In my 20s I was actually part of paranormal debunker groups in PA (Media area) and DC/N VA areas. I found it much more interesting to see how folks faked spooky phenomena. There was stuff we encountered no one could explain as well… When I was married to the (mad) German chemist, he created some impressive special effects for Halloween haunted house tours. Then there was the time…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is hilarious. I have to agree to you on most counts. I used to love the scares, but now I reserve them for movie nights mostly. Why should I fork over my hard earned money for someone to scare the hell out of me? Isn’t that what my therapist is for?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My wife and I have been to a few in the past, Halls of Horror in Palmerton, PA (they were pretty hands on, even offer the blood experience which we didn’t do, I nearly punched an actor because he called me a woman, The Freak N Fun House in Bowman’s Town, PA this former haunt was cool because to exit you had to crouch down and crawl through an oven, Haunts at Dorney Park, Allentown PA Also hands on (honestly I’m not keen on being grabbed at and not being able to return the favor, that extreme shit with a waiver though. Fuck that ! That reminds me of that crazy dude that runs an actual torture house (disguised as a haunt) seriously look up Mackamey Manor on YouTube.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’ve never been to anything like this before but would totally do it. Sounds like my kind of fun.

    One of my proudest dad moments was taking my kids to a cemetery after dark. They freaked out SO HARD when I got out of the car and started walking around. Was that a little mean-spirited? I suppose, but hey, with me as their dad, they shouldn’t have been too surprised!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Attacked by creatures from all angles? And yeah, what’s with all these stories–three stories, four stories? Man, the are DEDICATED, aren’t they? I’d have trouble filling up ONE story with scary features and/or characters. But the waiver is definitely weird. They’ve got to be joking!
    Don’t sign it, lol !!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Your commentary on each description had me giggling. Suddenly, I too want to try a haunted house experience of some kind in October, especially to strike it off my bucket list, like you. I’m just so curious to know if I’ll knock someone out or laugh my way through the experience. Hope you have a blast! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I’ve always loved a good horror movie and a Halloween spook house. My wife doesn’t like horror, so we don’t do the scary stuff. She likes to watch all those true crime shows though, especially the ones in which the wife murders the husband. Now that’s scary! I won’t drink any Gatorade she brings to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Assuming that the floors and support structure of that ancient barn are in fact required to be stable for such a production to be allowed there, then knowing that none if it is actually real they would most likely fail to scare me. So far the only thing at one of those sorts of Halloween haunts to actually make my heart beat a bit faster was the one where they chased you off the premises with real chainsaws at the end. Although most likely the chains had been removed rendering them unable to actually saw the limbs off any stragglers who didn’t leave quickly enough. There’s often some sort of early escape somewhere along the way for anyone too terrified to continue through the whole thing, though I’ve only ever seen single haunted houses – not the massive 4-part extravaganza you described. They probably have way better props than chainsaws these days though. Technology has come a long way since the last time I was in a haunted house. I have to agree on the extreme blackout as a definite no-go. What’s the point if you can’t see any of it and as for touching, torture, and restraints? No way.

    Liked by 1 person

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