Not A Dry Ice In The House

I once asked my wife to come up with a list of all the really dumb, idiotic, and stupid things I’ve done since she first met me.

That went on for a while.

For your amusement…a brief history of poor decision-making (in no particular order of stupidity):

The Tire

We got up one morning to find a car tire which was a little bit low on air. I eventually located the head of a small nail on the very edge of the tread. I insisted to my wife I could easily remove the nail, and the tire would be just fine until I could drive our vehicle to the shop. She protested, but to no avail.

A half-hour later, the spare tire had been installed and the now-completely-flat tire was resting in the trunk as I headed off for repairs.

The Ladder

I had the day off from work, but my wife did not. I really wanted to take a look at our gutter drains in one location to see if I could clean out some leaves before the next round of steady rain rolled in. I was confident there was some type of blockage up there. My wife insisted we should put it off until the end of the day so she could steady the ladder for me. I said I’d be just fine…not to worry…and off she went to work.

Later that morning, I exited the ladder from about a height of seventeen feet. Somehow, I was not injured. No, I didn’t tell her it happened when she got home…hell, I didn’t tell her for two years.

The Deck

We have lawn underneath our patio that requires mowing with a push mower. I needed to lower my head about a foot to avoid smacking it against the patio’s base. I insisted to my wife I’d always remember to avoid hitting my head with each pass.

At no point did I ever think I was going to black out, but it did leave a mark for a while…both times…OK, the two times she knows about.

The Cars

We had a horrible ice and snow storm one January. Our two automobiles were encased like fossils in the Ice Age. The morning the weather broke, I told my wife to stay warm inside while I ventured out in the tundra to clear them off. To expedite things, I used a snow brush from one of the cars to crack the ice off. Because it was quite cold, I decided to use the end of the scraper itself on the ice, not the brush.

Several friends felt we could go to insurance adjusters once we had our next hail storm, and they’d insure us for the dents on the hoods and trunks. Years later, the trade-in values reflected this morning in question.

The Codeine

I got so sick one day that by nightfall, my temperature was a robust 102. Fortunately, the doctor had evening hours that day and I was prescribed codeine syrup. I told my wife I was well aware of its effects, and if I had to get up in the middle of the night to use the facilities not to worry. I could certainly decide if I was OK to go to the bathroom.

She found me on the bathroom floor. She said she heard a thump – “did you fall?” I have tried to convince her ever since that night I simply got tired and decided to lay down. She remains to this day completely unconvinced.

The Movie

My wife wanted absolutely no parts of a movie called “Mortdecai.” She begged me to wait for it – if we had to see it at all – to come out on cable and didn’t want to spend any time and money on it at the theatre. I insisted we could both benefit from seeing what was promised to be a funny film.

We now have a name for the look my wife gives me when she’s thoroughly disgusted with me. It is known simply as the “Mortdecai Look.”

The Sticker

The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania requires owners of vehicles to renew their registrations annually. This used to involve – after payment – sending a sticker to owners to affix to the license plate in question. One day I arrived home first, and got the mail. The sticker had arrived and I decided I could manage the simple task of making our car legal for the twelve months ahead.

We found out just how serious the Commonwealth was regarding making sure their stickers stayed put…as we tried in vain to remove the newly-arrived sticker…which I had put on the wrong car. Pennsylvania has since eliminated the sticker aspect of registration renewal, but there is no truth to the rumor my actions helped lead to discontinuing the sticker requirement.

The Face

We had a Zero Turning Radius mower. When we bought it, the advice was given to us not to operate it in wet conditions, especially on uneven terrain. After a light rain one afternoon, I insisted to my wife it would be OK to mow. Not agreeing with the decision, she grudgingly came outside to do some gardening.

When she got to the large rose bush I had skidded into at the edge of our driveway, I tried my level best to assure her I was OK…even though my face felt like half the skin was gone. She gave me a once-over from head to toe…and calmly stated, “You’ll be fine.” Two years later, she admitted she thought those cuts would never heal.

The Rose Bushes

We had a couple other, smaller rose bushes that resided happily side by side for years thanks to my wife’s loving care. She was working weekdays at the time. I was not. Fall was nearing conclusion, and the rose bushes needed their annual trim (a technique I later learned was called “deadheading”). She took great pains to train me on exactly what needed to be done, but still didn’t feel confident in letting me fly solo. I defended myself vigorously, assuring her the rose bushes were in good hands.

After arriving home and reviewing my work, she didn’t talk to me for a couple of days. Surprisingly, the rose bushes were not dead. I might as well have been.

The Dry Ice

My wife’s parents sent us a gift from Omaha Steaks one Christmas. We had never gotten anything from the company before, but were impressed how frozen the food was considering how far it had travelled. After we got everything out of the big styrofoam cooler, all that remained was a large packet of dry ice. I noticed the label said “Do Not Touch.” Moments later, when my wife said she wanted to keep the cooler, I reached in and attempted to take out the packet.

Medical professionals compare injuries like I sustained as similar to burns, and often require medical attention. Fortunately, I was able to peel both of my hands off the dry ice. My wife told me to get it out of the house so I wouldn’t injure myself further, suggesting maybe I put gloves on this time around.

If anybody can identify with these or similar incidents, please outline your experiences in the comments. It’s always nice to know you’re not the only one who has made a poor decision…or ten…in life.


Picture Courtesy iStock

63 thoughts on “Not A Dry Ice In The House”

  1. Your life sounds like a Chevy Chase movie of mishaps ~ like N.L.’s Christmas Vacation! And speaking of movies, I wanted to read up on the movie Mortdecai to see if we should add it to our Netflix queue. Turns out we saw it 2015. Guess it didn’t have any staying power for me. 😀

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Ugh that Mortdecai movie. I couldn’t even finish it. And to think: Life would only get worse for Johnny after that. Hard to admit that I think things have gotten better for him lately (?)

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I totally get that. Joe Dirt was like that for my friend and I. Also, even though it wasn’t a trash-bad movie like the ones we’re talking about, my brother and I will always talk about when we watched The Village and found just about a dozen nonsensical loopholes in the idiotic script and overall execution, and we continue to say things like, “He’ll be fine in that room as long as he doesn’t rip open the floorboards.” Or, “We didn’t know a village of people was there because we just so happened to map out a no-fly zone directly on the very spot where those people decided to build an entire village.” Haha, I digress…

        Liked by 1 person

  3. That’s quite a few mishaps. My best one was the day I forgot about my wedding ring when replacing a car battery. Metal is a good conductor. Electricity shot through the ring, up my arm, and out my elbow

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Fraggle, my wife is just as surprised as you are I haven’t managed to do myself in. I think she keeps me around because I go to the grocery store. When cashiers go to bag the groceries, she usually says something along the lines of “let him do it…why do you think I brought him?”

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Lulu: “Ooh, our Dada could probably tell lots of stories like this, but we’ll just mention the time he got our Mama to go with him to see a movie called ‘Kung Fu Hustle’ because a reviewer compared it to a live-action ‘Loony Tunes’ cartoon.”
    Charlee: “Let’s just say she spent the next two hours glaring at him in the theatre, and to this day he has not lived it down.”

    Liked by 3 people

  5. In New York, our car registration stickers must be affixed to the front windshield, from the inside, Bruce. Somehow the DMV has managed to make the sticky-peel configurations harder to figure out than, well, the Scotch tape dispenser that I had to use when I totally messed up the registration’s sticky properties. (You know, when you can’t get the tape off the roll the next time you have to use it, but that’s a second story, right?) One, at least the great registration fail happened on my car, not my wife’s. Two, the next year I figured out the registration arrived the same month I needed the yearly car inspection, and the auto shop gladly put both stickers on for me when I handed it over.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Mark, glad that auto shop handled the “state stickers” challenge on your behalf that following year. I felt so stupid when I make my sticker faux pas, but initially thought it was no big deal because the sticker was freshly applied and would come right off. No, no it did not.


  6. I was looking for a new lawnmower this summer. All the local store had were the zero turn sort of riding lawnmowers. The lady working there said the tractor style all sold out as soon as they came in so apparently I’m not the only one skeptical of a lawn mower that looks like a lawn chair. I asked her if the zero turn ones were as awkward to ride as they look and she said worse. The first time they’d asked her to move one she ran into the store’s glass door so they never asked her to move them again. Not finding anything online that was both acceptable and affordable I ended up giving up on a new one and just getting our ancient tractor-style one fixed…..again. I noticed how you said had rather than have that zero turn mower. The sales lady I met would probably have advised you to ride it never rather than just not to use it on wet ground.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Lois, that’s wild the lady working at the store took a ride straight into the store doors. Those mowers do take some getting used to. We have less ground to cover now, so I (so far) have opted to mow with a push mower. I’m certainly better with it then I was with the zero turn mower.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Fortunately, you can’t see me smiling as I read down the list. Thankfully you didn’t get more injured during some of these, ummm, “not thinking” tasks. I have a teacher friend who painted during the summers to earn more money. He should have known better about the ladder but fell and broke his back. Had to take half a year off teaching. My suggestion? LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE!!
    On the other hand, yes, I have my own lists, and they do make for fun stories. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Pam, of everything on this list the fall off the ladder was the one that could have turned out really bad. I give myself small, partial credit for “knowing how to fall” in that instance, but there’s no doubt the main reason why it didn’t go another way was also an awful lot of luck. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I knew there was a good reason I don’t care much for gardening lol you are a good sport & your wife must especially cherish you for not exposing her moments…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. A man that can laugh at himself, love it! I still never let my husband forget about a week after we bought a new house and we heard something in the attic gnawing away, it was mice. So he went up to set poison and pushed though the ceiling with one leg. So your wife isn’t the only one that doesn’t let her husband forget😂

    Liked by 2 people

  10. You make me feel better about my own list. The incidents do make for good Blog fodder. I also did the exact same “nail pull” on the car of a friend’s daughter who was baby sitting at my house. That stranded her for awhile when she could have easily made it to a gas station.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I did the same thing with a giant metal bolt once. It’s a very stupid feeling, isn’t it? Me, I stuck the bolt back in and drove it right away to seal the (massive) head back into the treads. Made it to the tire shop. ✌️

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Bruce,
    I hope you don’t have a list of her screw ups or that would be the first thing on your list of screw ups. That said, we all live and learn as we go. Sometimes it takes some of us a few times at the same lesson to get it right. Also, it’s entertaining to watch or read about people figuring out stuff. Just glad you’ve made it without any life-altering screw ups so far! LOL. Mona

    Liked by 3 people

  12. After reading book, not watching movie, which came later, I decided to outdo Ralphie’s A Christmas Story tongue on pole dare. I opened freezer door and applied tongue. It stuck. Luckily my brother understood my gestures and filled a cup with water. I splashed it in vicinity of tongue; freezer released me. I had to give my bro $3 to not tell!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I read the opening lines of this post and thought… you are a brave man! I’m glad all your misadventures ended well ( or at least with no permanent damage!).

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: